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Fay Ulanoff F.Ulanoff Subject Specialties:https://twitter.com/share" class="twitter-share-button" data-count="vertical" data-via="ventril123">Tweet Flash fiction and humorous pieces. Children’s picture books Personal essays Check out my blog: flashfictionforall.com Skills & Media: Ventriloquist and performer of scripts I have penned. Struggling with her current view of the human condition in the form of fiction Books: Chicken Soup for the Soul celebrating Brother’s and Sisters Periodicals: Good Old Days Online Credit: Wise Geek, Haiku Other Credits: Denver Post Opt Ed, Reporter Herald, winner of an essay contest Memberships: The Writer’s Workshop Keywords: Humor Chicken Soup for the Soul Puppets FASTFACE Sample my writing: Most people can't even imagine a world without toilet paper. The average American uses about one hundred single rolls per year.
Tool of the Trade by F. Ulanoff Consider the dog’s use of toilet paper. There’s Fido padding across the globe, tongue down, keeping cool, and hanging out until nature called. On his way to the China Border, where the emperor lives, this clever Chow Chow feels the urge to deposit his prize, in one big poop, and then rub his bottom on a patch of grass to clean himself off. Ah, that felt good. “Hey. What you doing here, on the palace grounds? Shoo. Get off this place. You are ruining our grass,” said a guard. “Ruff, ruff,” barked the stubborn canine, who had just slipped out from beneath the fence, where a incline had formed. This is bogus. I’ll go anywhere I want, he thought. Prancing around in a circle until his distended belly started to hurt and he squeezed back under the fence, to do more of his business. After sniffing around the courtyard he found his spot. Ah, this is it. Just as he was finishing up, the guard returned. “Hey,you! Get out of here, right now!” The second he was about to squat and complete his ghastly task, the man pulled out a two foot stream of paper, from his pocket, and wrapped it around his left hand, “Allow me,” he said. The dog obliged by pushing his bottom up toward the white fluff in quite an unsettling manner, as the guard wiped Fido’s backside. Hmm. That felt good. I could get used to this. “Here, take it with you, so you will never have to ruin any one else’s greenery.” the guard said, placing what was left of the clean rolled paper between the dogs jaws. “Ruff. Ruff,” he barked back, then pranced away through the front gate that the guard opened for him, until he reached a big tree, where he dropped the paper and buried it. As for Fido getting into the courtyard again. Perhaps? Did he learn his lesson? Paper is for the ones who are bigger than I. It is for those who walk upright with two legs. Not me. I am, after all, really closer to the ground, and don’t need it. Gotta go, I mean go. Those grounds look really good. Maybe I can slip under the fence and pick up my scent, he thought padding toward the slippery hole, then squeezed through. After completing his business, he hesitated before hunkering down for a quick clean up, then stopped and waited in hopes that the two legged creature might come by and do it for him.
The End Chocago the Path to a Smooth New You Fay Ulanoff A new study recently reported in the American Doctor’s Journal that the application of Chocago, whose main ingredient is Chocolate, on hips tends to remove cellulite, so stated in Phelps Journey Monthly. After slowly removing the wrapper of the cacao, (and this being the finest of the fine) melt it in any nearby microwave, then gently rub it between your hands and massage into the place where your cellulite has developed over the years. While massaging the dark goopy glob well into your skin, put your mind at rest and concentrate on it, using this mantra, You’ll be gone by the end of this month. Nature’s bean, the cacao has a dark rich color that not only can remove most of your glut, with little effort, but even if it doesn’t work, you won’t have wasted your money, because you can always curl up in front of a chick flick and finish off the rest. In addition Phelps Journey magazine did a blind study of fifty women who were considering liposuction; found at least half had seen a reduction to their fat within a week after applying the Chocago twice a day. This delicious dark sweet product has taken away the guess work as to how much you need to use and needs no applicator. Chocago’s rich texture and easy use makes it a worthy adversary to any to any liposuction or vanishing cream, but if used too frequently your skin may simply disappear without a trace. Most physicians have never heard of this product because it is not available in any store. Tests have shown that Chocago once applied will not only get rid of those unsightly masses, it can also entice your mate who would just love to lick away the residue. In this way you both will enjoy the pleasure of this remarkable product. Nothing need go to waste. But be sure to caution your partner, because as you know, too much of a good thing, can be a sight to behold. As further stated in the in the ADJ, this product may result in an untimely affair of the heart, meaning the physical attraction is not to be dismissed. So use Chocago with the knowledge and foreboding of what you are getting into. And I quote, “Any off spring that results form the use of Chocago are the sole property of the consumer and their company waives any responsibility thereafter.” The Big Pick Fay Ulanoff Here we go again. Take a shower, dry off, then begin. I don't mean choosing makeup or moisturizer, nor do I mean to smile or not to smile, and I can't express the seriousness of this matter. What I'm really referring to is the big pick. Each morning I look at myself in the mirror, survey my face then decide, by order of importance and my limitations of time, as to which one of those devils will be the first, and perhaps the only one who will leave my face for the day. I chose by order of length, by order of darkness, and by order of thickness, which ever were the most decisive factors within my brain at that time of the morning. Weekends were my salvation. When I could finally afford myself the luxury of nixing them all before my morning was over, or I might even chose to go au natural for the entire time off. Who cares. I needed a day off from the harrowing chore.
I’ve finally made my selection, and the winners are: Tall dark and scraggly, and his three small bristly friends. Picking up my weapon of choice, a small tweezers, he slid out easy. Next to him was his almost invisible friend. I tried to grab him, but he wouldn’t= budge. With one eye on the clock and the other in the mirror I forged ahead. I'll get you. I said to myself. With fresh perspiration now forming under my just bathed armpits, I continued with the excavation of the bristling burst, only to find myself in a tug of war I knew I could not win, well at least not that morning. After trying my best with the ugly snag, I attacked his neighbor, which looked like an easy mark. This will be a cinch. I said to myself, and I was right. I got him without a struggle. Smooth sailing from now on. I thought. With confidence I forged on rewarding myself with smirk and a smile. Thinking again, Maybe now I'll get back to you, my stubborn devil. Bad Time for an Ear Cleaning by Fay Ulanoff I told my husband I couldn’t hear. I told everyone that things were getting far away. They didn’t listen, until days, turned to weeks, and then a month had passed. What to do? What to do, you say to yourself. Why not visit an MD. They always know what to do. Or at least their credentials say they will. I hoped so the day I took a chance and called upon my friendly neighborhood physician. What have we here, “He say.” I say,” Things are getting far away.” “Well, let’s take a look.’ So he looks with his eye. Then he looks with his instrument. He tells me that my ears have to be cleaned out. I say, “No, I just washed them in the shower.” But he tells me that is not the case and he must do it right now, so he may see in. “See in? I answer. “Yes and we must hurry about it, so that I can tell if there’s anything wrong” Wrong. Of course there is something wrong or I would not be here. What is he thinking? “Alright, bring in the tubes and lots of water,” he orders a passing nurse, who smiled and rushed away. Away? Where I wonder? Where has she gone? I already told him that I washed my ears in the shower. What could he be thinking? “This is a mistake. I tell my husband, as they tell me to bend my head to the side as they slide in a syringe and pour water all over my shirt and pants. “Stop that!” I told everyone that I already had clean ears and I don’t think this will work.” All involved in this procedure agree that this was the best thing. So I go out of my way to cooperate. “”Hold your head still. Bend it down this way. No that way,” said the nurse with gentle hands, until she took out a white very enlarged toothpick. “What’s that?” I ask. “Oh just lean back and I’ll pour this half pitcher of water down your shirt.’ Well she really didn’t say that. In fact she told me to hold still so it would all go down into my ear. Every drop did not go directly into my ear, but my husband, who witnessed the entire ordeal, could only see it with my back to him. So he thought that every syringe and pitcher full of water did enter my ear canal. When in actuality, most of it fell out into the sink basin I was sitting next to. Now let me get back to the giant tooth pick device she was about to explore my ear with. “Ouch! That hurts.’ “Don’t worry dear. We are only trying to pick out the wax.” Pick out? Pick out? I thought they were only going to use the water and that was enough for me, especially because my ears were really, really clean from this morning. “Just hold still and we’ll be done in no time.” I did hold still and she pulled out something that I did not want to hear of nor see. And although the nurse, doctor and my husband were so pleased with the yucky yuk that she had fished out. I saw nothing rewarding nor gratifying about her mining results. In the end, the nurse and doctor told me to change out of my wet shirt into the sweater I had worn over my blouse, when I entered the torture chamber, and be sure to wear a hat. I did as I was told and my husband and I left the office with my hearing in the same condition as I went in. It just goes to show you that perhaps it is better to stay away from the doctors lairs as much as you can, because the only answers comes from within your head, but not from mine, because I am just as cloudy as the day I entered. Within the next few minutes left to the time I allotted to this rigorous task, I began again. I'll get you, this time. So with a twist and a pull, success was mine. But this time, instead of rinsing off my weapon, I carefully placed my trophy on a piece of tissue and reveled in my conquest, of the big pick. Click here to report abuse on this page |
